tobermory's Diaryland Diary

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Boobs and how to contain them

Ladies, all I have to say is, “get thee to a Target store!” When I was at Target last weekend, ostensibly to pick up cat litter and only cat litter but in actuality spending about a hundred dollars more than just the cat litter would have cost on a variety of other items, I bought a bra. But not just a bra, a BRA. I believe it is the To The Max model. In my fourteen years of bra wearing history I don’t think I’ve ever really found a bra that manages to be both comfortable and flattering. The last batch of Bali bras that I bought at an outlet store are not only totally ratty by this point, but they never did much for me to begin with – the girls were too far apart for any decent cleavage action and they rode so low that I had a bit of a National Geographic look going – I don’t even want to get into the fabric scrunching that happened on the sides or the fact that they had really wide straps that looked a little too grandma-ish under a tank top. Prior to the Bali bras I was wearing seamless ace-bandage-y type bras by either Nike or Champion and, although incredibly comfortable, they gave me a total uniboob look and in the summer everything was so flattened out and squished together that I would sometimes get a heat rash – attractive, no? That should teach me to wear a sports-bra anywhere other than a gym. In general I have such a low tolerance level for little irritating things that you’d think I would have managed to find a bra that I could live with, but since I abhor the idea of going to a Bra Shoppe to be groped by a little old lady with a tape measure in the name of being properly fitted for a bra, I decided that as long as the bra fit OK and didn’t show too much through my clothes it was fine. But fine is no longer enough for me! I bought a bra at Target and I plan on heading back today at lunch to buy about 5 or 6 more because it’s perfect. Just enough padding to push everything into place and hide embarrassing ‘headlight’ action and it has some sort of wonder clasp between the cups that you can ratchet back and forth to enhance or decrease cleavage at will. OK, maybe it does have more than ‘a little’ padding. I just poked my left boob and it made a vaguely synthetic sound as the padding caved in on itself, sort of like the sound and feel you might get if you poked a stuffed animal you won at a carnival, and I had to poke really kind of hard before my actual boob registered the poking though the padding. But, for some reason when it’s on it doesn’t feel all ‘paddy’ like the Victoria’s Secret bras do. Or maybe it’s just that I hate Victoria’s Secret, because for christ’s sake – it’s not right that bras should cost so freaking much that you have to wait for a twice yearly sale to buy them and then be taunted by oversized posters of supermodels who manage to make the most mundane bras look positively, intoxicatingly, sensual. And price? VS bras - usually around $20+. Target? $9.99! Granted, because of its more, um, ‘architectural’ structure I’ll have to take better care of it (read – NO DRYER), but I think it’s worth it in the long run. I probably just put the old bras in the dryer because I secretly hated them so much I wanted them to disintegrate and give me a good reason to buy some new ones. I’m wearing the new bra today under a long sleeved tee and I have to say – fabulous. Having perky boobs takes five years off your guesstimated age.

Random Victoria’s Secret story: the first time I bought a thong I did so at VS and in the name of comfort I was going for a size larger than I usually wear but the saleslady tried to get me to buy a size smaller than I usually wear. Her reasoning was that then the thong, “just disappears.” Um, no thanks. I don’t want to have to do surgery to locate my underwear before I take if off.

That’s enough boob-talk for now -although for some, there’s never enough boob-talk but that’s another story.

2:13 p.m. - 2005-06-03

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