tobermory's Diaryland Diary

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Oh yeah, I forgot to mention yesterday that I’m a (sort of) redhead now. I had a hair appointment over the weekend and I told my colorist that I had liked the russet-y highlights that he had put in last time he colored my hair and he suggested a bolder, more overall red and I said, “it’s only hair – do what you want.” If it hadn’t worked out so well I might have to put in a disclaimer about depression and lack of caring and the bad things that can result. It’s nice – not a flaming sort of red more like a dark strawberry blonde. I imagine it’ll fade pretty fast – reds tend to do that – so whether or not I keep it depends on how much I like what it fades into. It’s a nice change for autumn.

So I saw the head doc yesterday – I’m not quite sure she’s the doc for me. I made another appointment in two weeks, but I might cancel. I agreed with her on some points like the fact that my family were a bunch of freaks for going in to work the day after my mom died and for giving me a hard time for NOT going in to work for two days and that I need to do a little more grieving and holding in the grieving is probably what’s causing the anxiety and panic attacks and the feelings of impending doom and gloom and depression. I was a wreck after the appointment – all red and puffy eyed, with a pounding headache, my back was killing me, and I felt completely overwhelmed by even the simplest of tasks, so I have to say that I’m not really looking forward to more of the same in two weeks. She didn’t recommend any temporary fix like pr0zak, but I might talk to my doctor about that anyway because I’m starting to just feel like I want to be me again and that I might need a little temporary help to get there. I feel like if I can just be me for awhile I’ll remember how good all the simple stuff can feel and then the bad juju will fade out. Maybe this is too simplistic, but so is the doc telling me I need to talk to/confront my dad about my sadness. Not only does he not need to have me be his personal black cloud, but I really think it would cause friction between us because he doesn’t handle out of control emotions well and I turn into a blubbering mess whenever I start talking about all the mom stuff. I think I just have to adopt the creed that she’s gone, it’s sad that she’s gone, and it’s OK to be sad that she’s gone and to cry if I need to. Plus I no longer think I have a rare form of total body cancer, I just think I fucked up my back when I overloaded my weights in the Group Power class that I took and I need to take it easy for a few days. Plus hello? PMS anyone? Auntie Flo should be here today or tomorrow. And then maybe it would help me to find some yoga classes to take at my gym or the local yoga studio, book another massage and check in to see if the gym is running one of their seminars anytime soon on holistic/meditational ways to relieve stress.

So, check list to discuss with the regular doctor:
Pr0zak or something like it – just for a little while, pretty please?
Ouchie back – what to do?
Head doc – good, bad, or eh?
How’s that blood pressure and cholesterol doin’?

So, as an experience, how would I rate going to the head doc? Well, I think it might have been better to have chosen a doctor that has an actual office or at least a more office-y set-up in her home. It was kind of strange because I felt like I was in a suburban den that smelled a little of moist golden retriever sitting on a not-very attractive overstuffed plaid couch/sofabed talking to a complete stranger. I couldn’t get comfortable – I felt a little like I was bothering her (it didn’t help that she yawned a couple of times) – like maybe she’d rather be making dinner or walking her stinky dog or dusting the collection of silver and porcelain in the china cabinet in the front hall or watching tv. I always remember my friend Dan’s dad who is a psychiatrist saying something about how he tried to make his home office as impersonal as possible so that the patient couldn’t make associations with the objects in the room (they must have used the back staircase, because they collected some of the freakiest outsider art I’ve ever seen and I can only imagine the associations THAT would bring up). But apparently one patient needed to use the restroom and saw a bathrobe hanging on the back of the door and then had a dream that Dan’s dad was wearing the bathrobe. Of course, I think that Dan’s dad saw some people with bigger issues – one patient gave him an abstract portrait of Dan’s family where they all looked like shadows except for Dan whose shadow was in flames. Mmmm’kay. Because of the setting it made me feel like she should have been more comforting and less doctor-y – I think if I had been in an office I wouldn’t have expected that so much. Overall I’d give it an 8. I was weirded out and crying the whole time I was there and I felt like a complete emotional and physical wreck when I got home, but today I feel strangely calmer and more collected and more ‘normal’ than I have in some time. But I still want me some pr0zak.

11:31 a.m. - 2006-10-10

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